


Join The Dark Side!

by loosenoodlepoodledoodle



Series: Non-K-Pop Parodies [8]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Absurd, Multi, Parody, Porn Parody, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:14:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23541421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosenoodlepoodledoodle/pseuds/loosenoodlepoodledoodle
Summary: Rey and company didn't care for The Rise of Skywalker. Hopefully, neither did you!
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron/Finn/Rose Tico
Series: Non-K-Pop Parodies [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672396
Kudos: 1





	Join The Dark Side!

You know that feeling you get, when something happens, and even though it’s not your fault, it feels like it is anyway? That’s what our heroes feel like today.

Rey sat on the floor of the Millennium Falcon, her thoughts as adrift as the ship’s mooring in space. Kylo Ren, General Hux, Finn, Poe Dameron, and Rose Tico were with her. Each of them looked lost, and even a little pained.

“I can’t believe it’s over,” said Poe.

“Neither can I,” said Kylo. (With his puppy dog eyes.)

“I just don’t understand,” spat Hux.

“What’s there to understand?” asked Rose. “Making sense was never his goal.”

“No,” whispered Finn. Then, more loudly, “I _refuse_ to believe it!”

Rey looked at him through her daze. God, she wanted to jump him.

“What are you on about?”

Finn stood up, suddenly afire with passion. “This can’t be the end, guys. The end of the trilogy. Not on this sour note!”

The fire spread, the fuel eager. “What, do you think there’s a way?” asked Kylo (with his puppy dog eyes).

“Of course I do!” He looked like he could sing. “We just have to find the director, and make him retcon the movie!”

Silence followed, but it was slowly filled with the crackling of burning kindling. That’s a metaphor, folks.

“But how, man?” spat Hux.

“It’s simple! We split into two groups. One will try to track him down by hacking his phone, and the other can just show up at his house and see if he’s there! That’ll cover all our bases!”

Rose objected. “But what if we fail?”

“Then nothing lost, if nothing gained. I mean, our lives can hardly get worse after _The Rise of Skywalker.”_

But it was ultimately up to Rey. She got to her feet.

“You know what, I kind of preferred the version where my parents were nobodies. Let’s do it.”

And they were off.

***

They reached Earth by traveling through a wormhole, because I am introducing that into canon right now. Poe dropped off Rey, Kylo, and Hux at the phone company, then flew off towards Hollywood or wherever J. J. Abrams keeps his coffin when not vampirically sucking the brains out of somebody else’s franchise.

They parked on the lawn.

“I don’t think anyone is home,” said Poe.

Finn used his inept stormtrooper training to waste most of his ammo shooting through the lock.

“I’m a mechanic, couldn’t I have picked the lock?” pointed out Rose. But the sins of the past would forever be repeated. Finn and Poe ignored her.

“My God, what madness is this?” asked Poe.

“It’s like we’re in a house of mirrors,” said Finn.

“Guys, there’s, like, nothing in here at all,” said Rose. But the boys had lost themselves in the possibilities, and Rose herself was not immune.

“Oh, there could be anything in here,” she murmured, her eyes turning into dollar signs.

***

Blood flowed freely over the tiled floor, but our heroes were no sooner to finding their quarry.

I use the term “heroes” loosely.

_“Give me what I want!”_ screamed Kylo Ren, with his puppy dog eyes.

“I have never felt so empowered,” spat Hux. “Ned Stark was right; let the one who passes the sentence carry it out.” He had quite the collection of phone company employee skulls right now, and his black uniform had turned an almost sensual shade of deepest red.

“It’s no use,” said Rey, in her most melancholy voice. “Abrams must have turned off his phone when NORAD detected us approaching.”

_“Zounds!”_ spat Hux. “There must be another approach we can try.”

Kylo Ren looked thoughtfully at his handiwork. With his puppy dog eyes.

“There’s a ritual from a Stephen King book that we might try.”

Rey turned her head to the side. “Is it the Ritual of Chüd?

He grinned at her, with his puppy dog eyes.

“Same book, different ritual.”

“We passed a motel on our way here,” spat Hux.

“How convenient,” said Rey.

***

Rose ebbed and flowed through the hole in space-time that was J. J. Abrams’s home. Visions appeared before her, echoes gracing her senses, of other cons the man had played, other dreams he had destroyed with his technique. She was going mad, and would never emerge, if not for the Force.

“Child, my hello,” said a voice.

_Yoda!_ thought Rose desperately. But it was actually Rian Johnson.

“What are you doing here?”

“Banished, am I, for vison of His, ruining did I.”

Rose blinked. “That’s the worst Yoda impression I’ve ever heard.”

The force-ghost of Rian Johnson could only shrug. “Yeah, there’s a lot I’m not very good at.”

“But people loved _Knives Out!”_

“That only gave Abrams the perfect idea for his revenge.” He showed off his wounds, like some dreadfully botched stigmata.

“I hope you didn’t suffer, sir.”

Rian Johnson scoffed. “Knives don’t cut as deep as terrible reviews.”

Rose kept her mouth shut, unable to say anything nice. She was appreciative of the erstwhile director, for she would not exist without his largesse. But still, despite a few of his ideas being interesting, she thought _The Last Jedi_ was still an awful movie. If it weren’t for Abrams’s touch of cinematic death, the gang would be after Johnson instead.

“Why are you talking to me, anyway?”

“I spied you across the Void, and felt a sense of pity. And remorse. And _schadenfreude_ , too, for that matter. Fuck J. J.”

“True that,” cried out the tortured voices of Poe and Finn, locked in temporal coitus in their own private Hell.

“If you want to find him, you must remember his T.E.D. talk,” explained Johnson.

“Oh, that boring thing? I felt asleep in the middle of that during the flight to Earth.”

“Fortunately, you only had to see the beginning. You know of what I speak?”

Indeed she did. “I can see exactly where this is going.”

***

J. J. Abrams felt an overwhelming sense of entitlement as his wicked soul was called back from his current bout of destruction somewhere in the multiverse. He found himself standing in a cheap motel room, near two beds. One was empty, while under the covers of the other lay Rey sandwiched between Kylo Ren and Hux, in sweet repose.

It didn’t take a genius to tell that they had been fucking.

“What is this? What am I doing here?”

_“Your reign of terror is over!”_ cried out a woman’s voice. Abrams didn’t recognize it because of how badly he had shortchanged Rose’s character.

She held a mystery box in her hands. Abrams trembled as she prepared to open it.

_“No! You can’t! It’s the source of my power!”_

He screamed as Rose tore it apart, revealing the emptiness of his own heart inside. He screamed as he dissolved into the nothingness between planes of existence.

***

Poe stuck his head out the bathroom doorway. “That was remarkably quick.”

Rose shrugged. “There wasn’t much to that prick at all.”

She hastily stripped off all her clothes. “You fellas ready for me?”

She stepped into the bathroom. Poe and Finn were super-hard.

“Are _you_ ready for _us?”_ teased Finn.

As Rose jumped right in, Rey stirred in her bed with her boytoys. She listened happily to Rose getting a true happy ending. _The Dark Side really is good,_ she thought dreamily.


End file.
